Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
