you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
