Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
