wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
