Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
