i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
