You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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