It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
