remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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