I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
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I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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