I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
