I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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