My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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