The maid of honor just puked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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