Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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