Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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