As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
