Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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