i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
