does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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