i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize