just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
