Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize