I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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