Why are handjobs necessary in class?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
