New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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