drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
