i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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