I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize