Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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