Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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