when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
