Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
