Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
