I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
