I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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