I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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