I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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