It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
