His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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