Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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