Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
