I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
