wanna go halves on a baby?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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