Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Someone came in the potted fern
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
