We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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