there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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