Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
