Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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