You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
