Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
