I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
