She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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