How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
