well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
